SCOTT: The only strange reading story I have is the time when I almost accidentally picked up a prostitute in Pittsburgh before a reading. The reading was in a kind of “interesting” part of town. I parked my car and was walking down the sidewalk when this scantily clad big woman walked by and said, “Hey baby, you got two quarters.”
I can be incredibly naïve (really naïve). I stopped, pushed my hands down in my pockets and looked through them for two quarters. The big lady started looking real nervous like “What the hell are you doing?”
I thought maybe she needed to make a phone call or something.
I finally said, “No Ma'am, I don’t believe I do, but there’s a gas station down a block and I’m sure they can give me change for a dollar.”
She just started laughing. She truly couldn’t believe I was being serious. It was only then that I realized the woman didn’t need to make a phone call and two quarters was prostitute code.
VOTM: What's going on in this photo?
SCOTT: My friend Eddie has a bunch of monkeys that he keeps as pets. At the end of last summer I ran into Eddie at a gas station in town, and it had been a year or so since we’d hung out together. So one night I went over to his apartment and his sister was there. I guess she really hates this one monkey named Bingo (I have no idea why). The monkey has some body issues about his man parts, and Eddie’s sister always teases him about it. So she started teasing the monkey about his parts, and the monkey just went bat shit crazy.
The monkey jumped around and we were all laughing like it was funny, but then all of a sudden the monkey jumped into my lap and started smacking at my face. One of his little monkey fingers poked me in the eye and I had to go to the doctor. The doctor gave me an anti-biotic and made me keep a patch on the eye for a week. My eye was fine. I recovered.
It’s probably one of the strangest injuries I’ve ever had. Try explaining to your wife that a monkey tried to gouge out your eye and see the look on her face. Also, the monkey has a drug problem, but I’ve revealed enough.
Come see what monkey business Scott McClanahan gets up to at Vermin on the Mount at Mie N Yu in Washington DC on Friday, February 4 at 8pm.